RECIPE FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

RECIPE FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE 

How a husband and wife should be with each other is not a simple matter. Sometimes circumstances conspire in a strange way, so that wealth or an easy life can actually drive a couple apart, whereas what looks l...ike a mountain of problems to an outsider can be the time of greatest happiness that draws the two closer together. 

Unlike the kind of trust, which wavers, depending on the situation, true love, in the deepest sense of a bond between two people, is something that develops in the face of rough seas. But this doesn't mean that one partner has to always give in to the other, or that the happiness of one can be built on the suffering of the other. 

The husband is not the center of the relationship, nor is the wife. It's not a question of who is the leader or who must make himself or herself a sacrifice for the other's success and happiness. Just as a song is a marriage of music and lyrics, husband and wife are equal individuals who, at the same time, perform a single melody of life together. What is important, I think, is how beautiful a song these two life partners can create together. 

In order to achieve a deep and harmonious relationship, I believe the two most important ingredients are a sense of gratitude and a common goal. 

In today's society perhaps a family should be thought of as an airplane. Buffeted by winds of change, the co-pilots have the responsibility of assuring safe arrival. The stability of a plane in flight requires clear direction, momentum and constant effort. And a successful flight requires that the co-pilots keep the same destination in sight. 

I heard a story about a wife who felt depressed for a long time and eventually spent her days in bed. A doctor who knew her and her husband well wrote a prescription and gave it to her husband. When the wife saw the prescription she was shocked. It said "When your husband gives you the medicine, please make sure to take it after you have said "thank you" clearly to him three times". She thought this was strange, but since it was underlined, she did say "thank you" three times before taking the medicine. She then realized that she hadn't used those words for a long time. Every time she repeated "thank you" three times, her health and happiness came back bit by bit. A humble expression of gratitude makes a person beautiful not only in heart, but also in appearance. (Needless to say, this lesson applies equally to husbands!) 

One English proverb says "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards". Both husband and wife must try to be tolerant, and have a big heart, which forgives minor faults and mistakes by the other. If you are being constantly scrutinized and criticized, you will not feel like trying to change, even if you know what has been pointed out is true. 

I'd like to share another story, which says a lot about the love between husband and wife. This is from "Gift of the Magi" by 0. Henry. It is about a young married couple called Della and Jim who are poor and live a barely furnished rented apartment. It is the day 

before Christmas and they have both been working out what to give each other to show their love. The wife, Della, wants to give her husband a watch chain to go with the gold watch he inherited from his grand father, which he is very proud of. She finds it costs $21 and all she has is $1.87. She decides that the only thing to do is to sell her beautiful brown hair, which is so long it reaches to her knees. In whatever country or culture, a woman's hair means as much as life itself to her. But Della makes the sacrifice, selling the 

hair to a wigmaker and she buys a platinum watch chain with the money. 

Her heart pounding with excitement, she waits for her husband to come home. He returns at last, and when he sees her, he is dumbfounded. 

The present he has brought for her is a pair of beautiful tortoiseshell combs to wear in her long hair. Della assures him that her hair will grow long again in no time and holds out her hand with the platinum watch chain gleaming in it. Jim collapses on the couch, then says with a smile, "Dell, let's put our Christmas presents away and keep them a while. They're too nice to use just now. I sold the watch to get the money to buy your combs." 

This story, with humor and pathos, demonstrates through the gifts they give each other, just how deep is the love between them. Each has sacrificed something very dear to buy a suitable present. But when they present their gifts, they discover that there is no longer a gold watch to attach the chain to, and no longer any beautiful brown hair to wear the tortoiseshell combs in. Both gifts have turned out to be useless to them. A practical minded young couple of today 

might point out that if the husband and wife had only discussed before what they were going to give each other, they could have saved themselves the waste. But the story deals with something that far transcends that kind of calculating logic. It concerns the beauty of the deep love between husband and wife. 

Love takes a thousand different forms. Sometimes the husband may appear to outsiders to be impossibly domineering, yet the couple manage to get along with a surprising degree of harmony. On the other hand, there are cases where the wife seems to have her way in everything, but still an atmosphere of peace prevails. It is not, in fact, the outward appearance that matters. I always think that when a couple have shared the joys and sorrows of life over a long period of time, a deep tie grows between them that cannot be severed by outside forces. This is not the kind of open, direct love we might see amongst young couples. It is something broad and deep, a sense of a shared destiny. 

I have known some 20 or 30 older couples who seem to possess this power, and I have felt the atmosphere of indescribable fullness and maturity it creates. You will find among such couples none of the tedious, whining talk of some old people. And, although many of them have not lived easy lives, there is no gloom in their expressions. 

You will find only the sense of deep self-sufficiency that comes when two people have successfully made their way over life's rough places together, along with an appreciation of the preciousness of their remaining time together.

SGI PRESIDENT IKEDA'S ESSAY

`Recipe for a Happy Marriage', By SGI President Ikeda's `My Recollections'